Lessons Learned

About a month into Dave's deployment, I started to develop a fairly bad attitude toward the whole thing. I was DONE! I was done being a single parent, done being lonely, and done anticipating having a baby without him there. It was one of the nights that I just melted, and gave into the sobs, and let myself just not do anything that needed to be done. Soon after that a good friend sent me an email reminding me that the kids really do pattern their own attitudes after what they see in the home. And I knew I had to change mine. So in order to turn my attitude around I knew I needed to look instead at an opportunity to grow and change and maybe learn a thing or two.

And it really did help.

Not everyday....

but most days.

So over the course of the past 7 months I continued to keep a list of the things I learned, and the things I was grateful for. Sometimes they are just random and others more thoughtful. But I publish this list in hopes that it might help someone else who is in my shoes at some point. Whether they make their own list, or just learn that they aren't the only ones who left the van door open all night!

Oh yeah...and he is on his way...we should see him early this next week!!!!!



1)Deep Breaths, 1,2,3. How to be calm amidst crisis. You see Dave is the calm one in our marriage, the one that sees the problem and and takes care of it. I freeze, then panic, then ask for help. But I learned that I too can be calm, and fix just about anything that goes wrong. Even the kids learned that I can fix their boo-boos. (Not as good as dad does of course, but in a pinch mom will do.)

2)Love often. When dealing with kids who have had their hearts broken and act out in unseemly ways...a hug is often more effective than a time out. They just need to know you are there and that you love them. So does dad...love them I mean...even from millions of miles away.

3)Check the doors. The car doors, I mean. after asking you kids to get something out of the car in the evening...it is a good idea to check and see that they have closed the doors behind them, unless you want like a 100 mosquito bites driving to preschool the next morning=)

4)Expect nothing. I usually set pretty high expectations of myself. Maybe the perfectionist in me coming out, but with all that was on my plate I found it to be the number two reason (number one being pure exhaustion) of why I would resort to tears. I just couldn't do it all. So I learned not to be disappointed when I couldn't meet my own expectations (ie anything beyond the basics many days). I would just add it to the next weeks to-do-list, or ask for help if it couldn't wait, and then get my mind off of it. Which brings me to my next one...

6)HELP!!!! Honestly I thought I knew how to ask others for help. I didn't. I am the one that can think of every reason why that person couldn't help me, before I actually ask them. But I am learning to let them think of those reasons, if they offered, ask. Even if they didn't offer, ask if it is important. They will say no if they can't, and usually help you to get the help you need.

5)Modern Technology Rocks! How else do you actually get to see your loved one live on the other side of the world. It made a newborn baby seem real, and a two year old forget that he's not there, because he is there, kind of.

6)Half full or half empty? My perspective changed daily. But often all it took was watching a dad or grandparent struggle with small children while mom is deployed, or reading the news of a soldier killed in a roadside bomb, to help me appreciate my blessings. Reading of those who served in less modern times also helped. I appreciated my almost daily emails/phone chats/ and web cam time with Dave so much more when I remembered that often a few letters was all others ever got during war time. Oh the anxiety they must have felt.

7)More Please! Only make foods that you and your kids like to eat, unless you really really like it. As a whole crock pot of that chicken only tastes so good the third time around. And the freezer only holds so much. Or make smaller portions of course.

8)Stop Already! Even though you desperately want them to, your kids will not stop growing and changing over the course of even a few months. And neither will you. (Hopefully not too much around the waste line, but you know what I mean). This was especially hard for me...as I couldn't stand Amanda changing from the little girl to a tween right before my eyes, without Dave here to guide me though it. And Spencer going from his out of control toddler self to a more controlled little boy, and Maren starting Kindergarten and actually acting like a kindergartner all of a sudden. And Jake...he was definitely not supposed to be even born...that is just not right.


9) Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. I learned not to buy too much at one time=)

10) Dad Please! I know that I never want to be a single parent and I have SO much respect now for those that are.

11)Multitasking is Overrated. I am pretty sure that this has caused some (hopefully not too permanent) brain damage. I now feel like if I am not doing at least three different things all at once I am not being productive...yes I am nursing while typing this.



12)Keep Pedaling. Our bishop has used this analogy several times this year. Everyone has to help out, like a on a tandem bike, if you don't help you don't get as far. When you are part of a family you have to chip in. All of my kids learned this (especially Amanda and Maren), and they all have learned how to work. Sometimes they don't like it, but they know it is expected and they always like the warm fuzzy's after they do.

13)Gratitude for more seasoned service members and their families. This is only the first time Dave has deployed in our 4 year Army career, but I know so many others who have done this repetitively and I can only imagine the effects that has on a family. So thank you to those who serve our country and love doing it. You make an incredible sacrifice and I take off my hat off to you and those that you leave behind each time.

14)Friendships and Family are worth their weight in Gold. Seriously THANK YOU to all of you who have done so much for me and my children. It is incredible to have family and friends like you!